How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
one might say we're banned from that church
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.