I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks