my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
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They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
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THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.