if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
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