i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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