His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
