so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
