goodnight i made you a song goodbye
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
