1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
