I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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