Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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