she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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