people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
