oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Damn victory sex feels great
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
