He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
