Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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