Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
