I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
