i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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