What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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