god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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