Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
