I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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