shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
