I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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