there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
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We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
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I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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