I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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