In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
