The beers last night were like the tears from god
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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