It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
