i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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