I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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