He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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