I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
