Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
