I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Randomize
