When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
