I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
