I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
