one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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