She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
