My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
