the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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