How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
