Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
