i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
