im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
