...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
