I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
