My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Randomize
