ugly people sure do ruin things
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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