He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
