First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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