now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
pop tarts are not kleenex
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
