my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
